The culture isn't comfortable with shared accountability. But the Christian life is marked by it. Learn how it is missing in most marriages, the impact of missing this critical element, and how we can address it.

What is shared accountability?

It's owning all of what you own together. It's owning all of your stuff, all of it, and by stuff, I don't mean the material: I mean the behavioral and the outcomes. It's owning together all of the other person's stuff to the degree you can do anything about it without controlling the other person. It will include the difficult task of owning how your actions may have contributed, not caused, but contributed to the other person's actions. And the other person owning, even if there was huge contribution by the other person, their own actions.

What threatens it?

I go back to the therapeutic model which has made its way into the church, and if you want to learn more, go to those episodes. It's highly important to understand that traditional, modern therapy, even that exercised by the church, to restore marriages will likely make it worse, and certainly will not lead you to a stronger foundation on the Truth of the Gospel.

Accountability is not evenly distributed in society, in the family, in most cultures.

The scope of accountability differs and it leads to control. If you are a wife, as an example, and you consider your scope of responsibility, as it often is, to ensuring the kids are healthy, surviving, the house is organized -- you can often criticize the man for not meeting those standards of these seen areas of accountability; a man's area of accountability is to wrestle with the world to face the challenges of work and acceptance and financial stability and spiritual leadership, and those are unseen powers. He will be criticized for the internal scope; criticized for the lack of fruit of the unseen scope not knowing what's going on; and criticized for not giving a Westernized and corrupted sense of "love" to the woman in exchange for shame and criticism.

The man's scope is protect and provide and lead into the unknown, and that scope does need to be taken on, but accountability turns into criticism and control very quickly because a) it's not shared; b) not fully understood; c) not seen.

What are examples?

- Wife breaks down emotionally, raising her voice, getting angry, insulting, in a session, but the therapist turns to the man and asks what do you think about these tears; and asks the wife, what's behind all of this? But leaves it, as if the heightened emotions, alone, are the truth.

- Wife wants caring, nurturing, gifts, affections, all her tasks done -- but doesn't own the mound of criticism that has preceded the withdrawal. Doesn't see the lack of respect in even very basic communication.

- Wife only sees the man getting defensive, but not owning that he's defensive because she is, in fact, in attack mode, in shaming mode, in blaming mode, as opposed to seeking help mode, or desiring support mode.

Scripture

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2

"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." - Matthew 7:3-5

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." - James 5:16

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." - Romans 12:5

The Marriage Habit

Marriage Habits